“The fire won’t keep going if you forget to put logs on it guys,” is a catchphrase in our house. It is usually uttered when my husband and I have been out, leaving the children in charge, and we come home to a dead fire and cold house.

And so it is with love. Without fuel, your perfectly flaming fire will turn into a grey pile of cold ashes. What was once hot, hot love is now dead and cold. And we’re surprised. How did this happen? How did that hunk of spunk turn into that person I passed on the way to the loo this morning?

As a couples therapist over the years, I’ve noted some pointers for keeping the love fires burning. Here are my “top-10 logs” for the relationship fire:

1. If you fall in love, recognise that maintaining these feelings requires effort. You’re probably good at your job because you put 40 hours a week into it. Imagine investing that into your relationship: you guys would be smoking hot!

2. Couples who play together, stay together. It’s a great two-for-one deal as one behaviour releases two love hormones. Positive time spent together releases oxytocin, which builds attachment. Doing adventurous things leads to dopamine release and builds passion. (No wonder we felt so good after our holiday!)

3. Be reasonable in your expectations. It’s not always possible to be ecstatically in love. In “fire” terms, think steady and continuous logs rather than going on an annual petrol-filled rampage. Daily sharing in a glass of wine and a five-minute chat is better fuel than a trip to Venice once a year.

4. Focus on the good stuff. Deliberately think of things you like about your partner. What do I find attractive? What do I admire about him/her? Over time it’s easy to start listing the faults.

5. Touch each other and use eye contact, it’s a sure way to reconnect. When you leave in the mornings take time to connect (a quick kiss and a hug) and when you come home in the evening do the same.

6. Know when to zip it. You don’t always have to be brutally honest. Ask yourself: would I like to be married to me?

7. Make home a sanctuary. Your relationship should be a place of security where it is safe to be you and you look forward to seeing the other.

8. 2 + 1 = 0. Don’t start talking about relationship problems with a third person. This is a recipe for disaster. Talk directly to your partner and if you can’t do this safely, call a couples therapist.

9. Learn to fight well. When really fired up we behave primitively. Recognise this, take time out, come back and talk about it when your stress hormones have settled and your brain is back “online”.

10. Keep track of each other’s dreams for the future. Share your plans (family, travel, careers, etc.) early on, so you can support each other and there are no nasty surprises.

So go on, put another log on the fire. Or, contact us for help to get started.

Tara Clark

Registered Clinical Psychologist